Colorado. Runner. Yogi. Fucking hilarious, like, 17% of the time.

party like it's goddamn CHRISTMAS

Sometime in the last eleven months, I lost half a Christmas tree. Here's what happened.

Last Dec 15th, I moved into a new house. At that point, I put up the five (six? five.five? I don't know) foot pre-lit fake tree from Target that I've had since my age started with two and Agnes and Dean were just twinkles in their doggy daddies' eyes. (I assume dog's eyes twinkle when they're thinking about puppies. You know, like how everyone's eyes twinkle when they think about puppies. A Santa-style twinkle, not, like, a dirty twinkle. We're talking about puppies here. Also, I'm sure Maida's doggy daddy's eyes twinkled too but she was already born when I bought the tree.)

So the tree was up, and then last January 17th, I had a housewarming/birthday party. At that point, the tree was down. The tree box was under the garage stairs.

This recent weekend after Thanksgiving, I pulled out the tree box. (See, Crockett won't put up the tree until Advent starts cause his dad wouldn't put up their tree until Advent started. It's a cute tradition right up until the second I want to put up the tree and it ain't Advent yet, but in this case Advent happened to start on the day I wanted to treeify the place, so everybody won! Except...) The tree box had half a tree in it.

The top half, if you're wondering.

The bottom half has vanished.

So one of four things happened.

  1. I put the bottom half in a trash bag because I was too lazy to smoosh it into the box, and me or someone else accidentally threw it out. Possible! Unlikely, though, because my bags are white and it would have been a pretty clearly pokey, tree like, green-needly looking bag.
  2. It's somewhere in this small house that neither Crockett nor I has thought to look. Possible, but only if I was drunk or something while putting the tree away. At this point we've looked everywhere but the attic, and I don't recall ever entering my attic in this house. Like, ever.
  3. Someone from the housewarming thought it was a souvenir? A pokey, useless, three foot tall three foot wide souvenir?
  4. Thieves.

It's obviously 4, and I know why.

This happened to someone ELSE in 2015, and they took my tree bottom to replace theirs. Theirs was probably lost to yet another family doing the same thing, and so on and so forth.

What happened to the first family's tree bottom, you ask?

Those damn reindeer.


Anyway, we bought a new tree, because we ain't thieves like the legions of tree stealers before us.

Anyone want a tree top?


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