Here's the promised twist: I didn't actually get a passport from that whole process. I know, minds everywhere are just blown.
Look, I know I'm overstating this, but I was so damn sure I was getting my passport. Like, I referred to the process as getting my passport, not my citizenship. In retrospect, that was dumb for many reasons, but if you can't be honest about your failings on the internet ...
(The end of that sentence was 'where can you'. I'm sure you knew that, but I wanted to be clear in case you thought maybe I was implying something less predictable. I was not. I was going where literally every person who has ever gone 'if you can't do x in/on/at y ...' was going with the dot dot dot.)
Here was my logic. It is threefold. THREEFOLD, I say. First fold: when my mom went through her whole process, she got a passport. Second fold: my damn cousin (I call him that because he is moderately famous and therefore does not respond to my emails or facebook requests to tell me HOW HE DID THIS) got his passport when he went through the process. That one really set the bar, because his whole deal should have been exactly the same as mine. Third fold: I had to send them passport photos.
And here was my downfall. My mom was not applying to be on the foreign births register, so her whole deal was totally different. She didn't even have to mail her application to Dublin, but rather got to pop it over to San Francisco. My COUSIN (I'm actually really irritated that he ignored me while I was investigating this. I'm older than him. And drank his mom's breast milk, and vice versa, probably. I don't know, that was a thing my mom and her sisters did.) travels a lot and possibly physically visited embassies. Also, I actually only have a guess of when he actually started, so it's possible he went through this exact process. The passport photos? That's still lame, Ireland. I don't know what that was about. Crockett's theory is that it was just the simplest way for them to define an identity proving photo, which I guess it makes sense that they would need?
OH! Guess what I forgot to mention? I had to get a lawyer from my office to sign the original application, because there's no provision for a notary. The choices are, like, priest, school principal, police officer, bank manager, and lawyer. That's who my Irish peeps trust.
So now I've sent an entirely separate application off for my passport. Boom. I'm a citizen so they'll give it to me. That's how that works. (I was about to say ''Merica!' but that is completely irrelevant here! How often can you say that? (All the time. America is not everything. Easy to forget that when you live here. Oh my god I sound like Donald Trump. What am I even doing with my life.))
P.S. If you really are reading this to find out how the process works, follow the link from the first post and note that I sent my application in early February and got my birth certificate the final week of August. Plan accordingly.