Drinking: A single Cinnamon Horchata beer thing from Blue Moon, because I'm not feeling well and really would kind of rather be drinking mexican hot chocolate but I don't have any
Eating: leftover green beens from the back of the fridge because see above
Prior to starting this movie, I'm going to say it's going to be dumb and I'd probably have more to say about the preview for the next season of Girls that just played, but hey. It kind of looks like what would traditionally be considered a chick flick geared towards dudes and I'm interested in the that concept. I want to know if men or women were the audience for this. I want to know how fleshed out the female characters are. I want to know ... stuff. I don't know. Come on, we all know I'm going to make it ten minutes into this movie.
So as far as I can tell, Baby Efron is the lead, right? He just got dumped by someone he didn't know he was dating because they'd had sex once a week for six weeks. So .. failures of communication is the theme?
Your wife tells you she's leaving you in front of the guy she's leaving you for, and he compliments your SHOES. It was supposed to highlight Michael B. Jordan's impotence and good lord, it did. 'Nice shoes' is going to be my go to 'I don't find you worth worrying about' comment forever and ever.
Aw, the third guy? The guy who isn't Efron or MJ (who was awesome in that thing where he played the old alcoholic boyfriend, what was that, googling, Parenthood!) has the red Irish cheek thing that I have. And is not cute. Poor guy. His name is ... Daniel, apparently.
I take it back, he has a weird very tall wingwoman who comes with no explanation but seems very effective. And he gives his friends viagra and tells them they're mints. So, no more sympathy for Daniel.
Ok baby Efron just piggybacked on a woman talking about the expectations that came with a single pickup line AS a pickup line and it was wildly effective. Ill Emma might be a sucker for Efron, which is a scary thing to know.
Oh wait now he thinks the girl is a hooker because ... black boots and a new yorker magazine with hookers on the cover, I think. That was a very short lived Efron crush.
Hm. Discussion of expectations regarding checking the college/marriage/kids boxes. With no overt misogyny.
Second meet cute commences but then instead of him refusing to talk to her, he just straight up admits he thought she was a hooker. WHAT IS HAPPENING. ALL MY EXPECTATIONS ARE BEING SUBVERTED. (Not all of them.)
Oh. 'What kind of girl would I be if I didn't eventually find it funny?' 'Probably every other girl in the world.' Oh so she's not like most girls? (I’m not like most girls. I’m three kids in a trench coat.)
"I warn you she can be really aggressive sometimes but you can tame her with tequila and compliments."
Are there really bars that are like piano karaoke bars? Like, you play the piano instead of or with your singing? That seems like a thing tailor made for people with an overabundance of self confidence and friends who were in musical theater.
Every one of these characters is awake after midnight on what I think is a weeknight. Is that a New York thing? Every time I read Bridget Jones I'm shocked by the fact that she can't be on time for meetings that are at 10 am, maybe it's that, they go to work really late. At 10 am I've been at work for three hours and done my best work of the day. Seriously. Please don't tell my boss that my afternoons are basically a wash.
They have a New Girl bathroom. Is what is basically a public restroom in a private apartment a real thing in big cities? Is my confusion about what life is like in New York making me sound like a cowpoke who has never lived anywhere but the front range of Colorado?
Ha. Cow poke.
I'm trying to remember the most interesting date I've ever been on. Pretending to be a billionaire and touring a wildly expensive home beats it. For sure. However, that would make me very uncomfortable because I don't like situations that could end with me getting yelled at, and the whole fake billionaire thing definitely qualifies.
Baby Efron's girl, who's name is completely unclear, looks like she's on the day one apply makeup, sleep, second day more makeup, sleep, third day wash off first day makeup but leave second day makeup and apply third day makeup, sleep, repeat ad infinitum schedule. It's very nicely matched with Efron's 'just dirty enough to stand up straight' hair.
'I was going to make you wait [for sex] too, but then I remembered I'm a dude.'
So when I broke up with my college boyfriend, I was super duper bad with boundaries with the first guy I dated afterwards. We worked at the same bakery and his house was like a block from our work, and I would just stop by like all the time. I think I was used to the dorms and living with my brother and friend and boyfriend. We were all up in each other's business and in retrospect I didn't dial that back nearly enough when I met someone new. (Baby Efron's girl dropped by and his friends thought she wasn't invited and said that was 'girlfriend stuff'.)
She said she brought 'scotch' but it's pretty clearly Bulleit. And now she's playing video games. Cue Amy's cool girl speech.
Blah everyone is in love. Whatever.
Somehow baby Efron is wearing a fake cock to his ladys party. It seems he thought it was a costume party but she meant it was a fancy dress. Two different meanings of dress up party. This is fucking ridiculous. What kind of quasi couple doesn't at least mention 'hey I'm going to buy the fake dick for your party' or 'hey here are a couple of pictures of the dresses I'm thinking of wearing what do you think'?
The big hair and skinny jeans are making this look like a movie of bobbleheads.
We're approaching the 'sabotaging our relationships because we promised each other we wouldn't have them' phase of the movie, and I'm bowing out.
An HOUR. I made it an hour! Further through the movie than I did through the beer.
My head and stomach and I are going directly to bed.