Drinking: Toad Hollow Unoaked Chardonnay
Watching: Domestic Disturbance
The cover is 50% serious John Travolta face. How could I not.
It opens with ominous music and boats. For a second I forgot and thought I was watching Piranha and I got really excited but then I remembered when I saw John Travolta's puffy face and shaggy hair. It's Pulp Fiction hair. It's not a good look for him.
What was he doing between Saturday Night Fever and Pulp Fiction? Did the Scientologists have him locked up somewhere doing some brain thing? (I'm related to two Scientologists. I don't know if that makes it more or less ok for me to make fun of them.)
Travolta and his blond ex wife Susan who I think might be in The Fosters have a son Danny, and he hid in a strangers car to escape basketball practice. That's an interesting intersection of after school activities and psychopathic tendencies.
Vince Vaughn is going to be Danny's new step-papa. There was no ominous music when that was announced, but VV's face is pale and his words are low and he's creepy. Is he always creepy? He's always creepy, isn't he. I think this movie just ruined Vince Vaughn for me forever.
I have this image in my head of when Steve Buschemi first started trying to find an agent. I imagine a bunch of prospective agents turning him away, telling him that there are only so many roles for small, ugly, mousey, perpetually-unwashed-looking, orthodontia-needing men. They must feel dumb now, man, because all of those roles are SBs now. ALL OF THEM.
Travolta makes wooden boats that are of higher quality and longer lasting than the plastic that "everyone wants now". Oh the symbolism. I really hope someone dies in a plastic boat, just to really hammer it home.
This takes place in Maryland. I used to do this thing in bars where I insisted that Maryland wasn't really a state, and ask everyone if they knew anyone from Maryland. More than half the time, no one did, and I would get very self righteous and conspiracy theory-y. It made mediocre bar conversation, but sometimes that's good enough.
I just looked up the actor that plays Danny and his current work is 'Transexual prostitute in ToY'. I do not know what that movie is, but I suspect that wasn't what he anticipated back when he he was playing Travolta's kid.
Ooooooh. See, Danny had to hide in that car in the beginning because he just hid in VV's car when VV went to murder SB, and otherwise that would have made no sense at alllllllll. Good job, writers and producers. He's not a psychopath, that was just clumsy precedent setting.
I wonder if people who have access to crematoriums and kilns and the witch's oven from Hansel and Gretel are statistically significantly more likely to bump other people off. There's no good way to answer that question because if so they're destroying the sample! (I thought that was funny. The wine is totally working.)
It's weird how reasonable it seems that they made the kid go home with his murdering step dad even after he told the police about the murdering thing. This is why you shouldn't be problem children, kids. You'll really need to be believed and instead everyone will be all 'but you kept climbing into the backs of strangers cars ya little psychopath so why should we believe you'.
So I was thinking that I'm going to put a deadbolt on the house side of my basement door at the new house, because I'm a scaredy cat and basements are basically exclusively bad news in the entertainment I prefer to consume, and then I was wondering if going into Lowes Depot and asking about something like that gets you put on a 'I want to lock people in my basement' list. If so, I bet VV is on that list.
Oh oh oh! I figured it out! VV and Travolta always look clammy. That's the perfect word. Clammy. So gross.
"We didn't do that much talking. And when we weren't doing that we were watching TV." I'm going to say that next time anyone asks me something about someone and I don't know how to answer.
The clammy twins are getting aggressive. WHO IS GOING TO WIN? I actually don't know because I don't remember the marketing of this movie, it could be one of those dark ones where the bad guy wins. But who am I kidding.
"You said that he liked to screw and watch basketball. What team did he root for????" This was immediately followed by a dial up internet pixelated picture of VV next to the word 'racketeering'.
If I turn this off right now, VV will have won. Travolta is unconscious, bleeding, and covered with gasoline. We have so much power as viewers.
VV just lit his jacket on fire!!!! Did you hear about the guy who did that while driving home from church one day? He meant to light his cigarette but caught his sleeve? He was pulled over for having an illegal firearm.
(Two drums and a cymbal fall off a cliff)
NEAR MISS. FAMILY IN PERIL.
If someone is searching for you in your house, turn on the bathroom light and put a pair of shoes behind the closed door so it looks like someone is standing there. If your house has a bathroom with two doors, this is a surprisingly useful tip.
Everyone is fine! Except Vince Vaughn! And his wife, who just miscarried the baby that she and Vince Vaughn created together. Way to take the easy out, writers. Danny and Travolta and Susan would have loved that baby anyway and you just took that away from them because you didn't want to have to put the 'your dad was a killer' talk in the post credit roll.
I finished one! And you couldn't even tell that I was also making cookies for the people building my house (sucking up? fuck yes)! Maybe one of the clammy twins needs to be in every drink and watch movie I try to increase my odds of success?