I was going to say 'golly that title isn't that interesting sorry but I was going for honesty so you can move right along if you don't wanna hear about it' but who am I kidding. It's also kind of a lie, because no. I'm not going to talk about actual sex that I've had.
What I am going to talk about is an article that was recently shared by a facebook friend of mine and liked by several others.
I'm not even sure why I clicked on it. It wasn't shared by feministing (as if) or even Jezebel. Or even xoJane, my favorite hate read. It's HuffPo. Love 'em but not exactly a bastion of clear feminist thinking.
Reason 1: Being a mom is unsexy and exhausting. Issue: Too easy. OH THE ASSUMPTIONS. The article never said 'your child's father'. So your number one reason has to do with procreation. Those of us without kids are still having regular sex? (Here's where the title comes in.) That's not a terrible assumption. I certainly had more regular sex than my child having compatriots. However, what about adoptions? Or fathers who are primary caregivers? Or men with husbands who clicked on this?
Reason 2: "If you want your husband to act like a man, you need to treat him like a man." Issue: COME ON. The second line is 'Hold the eye rolls', but come on. Fuck you. The paragraph that follows is a summary of all of the things you always hear paired with this statement. He's more loving when he's having regular sex. He works hard all day and wants to see you naked. Essentially, you don't have to be into it, he deserves it.
Reason 3: Connect. Issue: Eh. None. In a typical heterosexual relationship I do think sex helps you connect unless you are intentionally working around it for any or all reasons.
Reason 4: "Sex relieves stress." Issue: If you're not having sex, it's likely not going to stress you out LESS to force it into your schedule or what have you. Counterpoint, masturbation.
Reason 5: "Sex is fun." Issue: Counterpoint, masturbation.
Look, I think regular sex between two people who are into it is one of the best, most funnest things. The problem here is that this (I KNOW, not written by a professional or whatever) article puts the onus on us havers of uteruses, and I think that happens too frequently. The assumption is that our dudes are always ready for it, and so any time we're not having sex it's because we, the ladies, are choosing not to. (See spreadsheet guy for a sense of the expectations around hetero cohab sex.)
'We're not having sex because'. I don't feel sexy. My toddler is taking up my time. I'm just not feeling it.
YES. Then say those things and don't have sex. And reasonably expect that your partner will, at some point, tell you he's just not feeling it either. The idea that women can get laid whenever they want and men always want it isn't good for any of us, y'all. Articles that encourage women to have sex for any reason other than 'I felt like it' consistently undermine our right to do just that - have sex where and when we want to and at no other time. And they make men feel unjustified in EVER not feeling like it.
And if you are able to have sex and think it might be kind of fun even though you might take some warming up and part of this article speaks to you, then by all means, have sex with your husband. Whether he feels like a goddamn man afterwards or not.