Colorado. Runner. Yogi. Fucking hilarious, like, 17% of the time.

day to night to weekend to shoes to arg

First, let's get this out there. I visit too many clothing sites too regularly. I love my wardrobe enough to track it, but I have a hard time not seeing what sales are going on. Every day. So, there's a thing that women do when reviewing clothes. I don't know if men do it, because I don't shop for men's clothes online, so maybe it's out there for y'all too.

That thing? Is to make completely banal, predictable recommendations regarding the wearing of a certain garment. I'm going to give you an actual example from the review of a dress I was considering (copied exactly so that last 'your' is all her).

Madewell:

You can wear it a work with a cardigan around your neck and a pair of high heels and still look professional, or just going out to run errands with a pair of sandals or dress it up at night with a big bangle bracelet and a clutch if your going out to dinner or hanging with friends.

What's so wrong this, you ask? This woman is trying to be helpful, you say?

Well to you I say NO. COMMENTS ARE NOT FOR STYLING SUGGESTIONS. Advertising copy is for styling suggestions. Catalog pictures and fashion blogs are for styling suggestions. Your friends are for styling suggestions. Stacie from Tracy, CA (actual name and location of above commenter), might be wildly stylish, I know. But I don't know that for sure, and if she were suggesting something outside the box I wouldn't have any way of knowing how much weight to give it.

More importantly, these comments to which I refer are literally never, ever, ever outside the box. No one ever says, 'oh this dress ran a little short so I put it over a mini skirt that I am helpfully linking to and it was the cutest outfit ever'. Everyone always says some variation of 'this piece of clothing is good for this situation wearing this accessory that always belongs in this situation OR that situation while wearing that accessory that always belongs in that situation'.

For example:

  • You can wear this shirt to work tucked into slacks or dark denim and then to the farmers market on the weekends with a cute tote.
  • This skirt is perfect for going out on the town with your highest heels but you could also wear it to a baby shower with wedges and pearls.
  • I bought this necklace to wear to a summer wedding with a low cut dress but I also find it's perfect when I'm doing laundry naked.

I may have gone overboard with that last one.

The inevitable one, though, is the dress that goes from work with pumps to night with heels/weekend with flats.

I promise, guys, not new information.

Her's what we want from online reviewers. Feel free to copy and paste.

I weigh ___. I am _ feet, _ inches tall. I have/do not have big/small/weird boobs/shoulders/butt. I usually wear size ___ at ___ (popular store) (can sub this for height and weight) and it fits baggy/tight/as pictured on the model. The item of clothing I'm reviewing was too small/big/loose/tight/short/long/none of the above. It was appropriate for winter/summer/spring/fall in (I just seriously considered listing out all of the state abbreviations, that's how dedicated I am to this idea, but I'm not going to do it because I don't actually know all the states (if you think you do try it and get back to me (if you sing the animaniacs song it counts but is sort of violating the spirit of the thing))).

Boom.

No styling suggestions necessary.

brace yourselves, this is going to hurt

you look at how many?