Colorado. Runner. Yogi. Fucking hilarious, like, 17% of the time.

let's drink and watch

Drinking: StellaEating (I know that's not part of it but it is tonight): chicken salad with the dressing from this appetizer as ... dressing

Watching: Snitch

Am I going to finish this movie? Probably not. Was I hooked at the description that started 'Dwayne Johnson is a businessman' that was superimposed over a picture of him in a button-up looking like he'd just kicked ass? Abso-damn-lutely.

  • Where does someone the size of Dwayne The Rock Johnson (DTRJ) find button up shirts? I think I recently read that his arms are 1000 inches in circumference.
  • You know when someone seems like they'll be a minor character but you recognize the actor so you just start waiting to see how they're going to be important? That just happened. I find that irritating but I don't know how the heck I think screenwriters should get around it.
  • Nothing like a little divorced parent sniping to give you sympathy for the kid that just got arrested for the drug charge. Also, 'leave him in jail, scare the hell out of him'. DTRJ, you are not coming off as very sympathetic.
  • Imagine going to prison for ten years for being dumb about drugs with your high school friends. It's not like he'd be able to hang out with Piper. Or like anyone would want to hang out with Piper.
  • DTRJ's new wife is Sofia from The League! Way to upgrade, Sofia/Analise. DTRJ is like forty Ruxin's combined and then degreased.
  • I feel like the social commentary of these silly minimum drug sentences is being somewhat mitigated by it being a well off white kid with loving parents. Is the law not still harmful and dumb when it's a less privileged kid with no family?
  • SUSAN SARANDON. SS, why are you telling DTRJ he can't help identify dealers to reduce his son's sentence when we all know that's the plot of the movie? Did you not see the script?
  • Obligatory black eye at the first prison visit. It seems a little cliche for DTRJ to tell his normally sized son to stand up for himself. He's not the one with 1000 inch arms, dude. Still not appearing very sympathetic.
  • DTRJ is visiting the wikipedia page for 'drug cartel'. Realism in Hollywood.
  • Oh, wikipedia convinced him to take the law into his own hands, somehow (and badly at that)! I know I always feel a little more vigilante-y after hitting it up.
  • Boom. Semi-famous actor is back. I would feel smug about calling this if it hadn't been dumb. See, HE'S really going to be the snitch. I mean, it's going to take several scenes before he agrees, but what do we think is going to happen, huh? HUH, SNITCH?
  • You know what convinces a dude to snitch? A drug dealer conveniently chatting up the dude's elementary school age son right after the dude's boss offers him 20k to identify a, any, drug dealer. What a timely coincidence.
  • I looked away for one (ten) minutes and now DTRJ and semi-famous are going out selling drugs. I assume it's to nail big dealers but they just talked to a big dealer so I think I might've lost the thread here.
  • SS's assistant: "The liberals think you're a bitch." SS: "Maybe I should go to a gay wedding." Yes, Susan Sarandon, you should go to all of the gay weddings. Just do.
  • I want DTRJ to become a real drug dealer now and to use his real drug dealer connections to make his son a boss in prison. More realistic? Also has DTRJ ever played a bad guy? I can only picture him in these sort of wholesome tough law enforcement roles.
  • How many people learn actual how-to-deal-drugs facts from movies like this and shows like Breaking Bad? It's obviously not zero, so do law enforcement agencies task someone with watching them to see what all the amateurs are going to be doing? And can I have that job?
  • I watched Miss Congeniality 2 (did you know that was even a thing?) last night and now Benjamin Bratt is in this too. When something shows up repeatedly (twice is a repeat so it counts) like that I sort of think it's a sign, but I don't what this could be telling me other than BB shouldn't have scraggly facial hair. But also no one should have scraggly facial hair.

I am a terrible movie watcher and due to that, this is a terrible recurring feature. I keep thinking I'm going to be better, I'm going to choose the right movie, etc, but then I have a drink or two and want to go to bed and these movies are DUMB.

On the upside, at least I'm not spoiling the endings!

the worst way to waste a lip balm

I'm no Roseanne