The Counselor!! Because it's 8:49 on Saturday night, I have a bottle of wine, and HBO is telling me I should by listing it first in 'available movies'. Also, because Michael Fassbender. And to a lesser extent the four thousand other motherfucking hot people.
Please be aware that while none of the following comments are meant to be enlightening, I do not guarantee that none of them will be spoilers, ok? This is a new movie so in this case if you want to watch it, don't read this!
- Penelope Cruz has a very recognizable voice. I did not realize that until just now. Even over the sound of a motorcycle when she's fully shrouded by a sheet that was just had sex in I can tell it's her.
- Does anyone know if Michael Fassbender has a person/wife/girlfriend/whatever?
- This started not un-dirty. I'm kind of glad I'm alone because there are like four people in the world I could watch this with and not be embarrassed.
- Side note: my dad just watched The Way of the Gun and realized it has the best first two and a half minutes of any movie ever and now he keeps saying 'you and your gay uncle' which is funny to a very specific subset of people. I personally prefer 'shut that cunt's mouth or I'll come over there and fuck start her head' but that's just because that literally could not be worse and I love it when I find the worst of something.
- Is Javier Bardem trying to be scary and ugly now? Is that what's happening, like Joaquin Phoenix style? And does Cameron Diaz have to have weird eyeliner just to keep up?
- MF is picking up 'cautionary diamonds' and I think I'm supposed to be getting a theme of some kind but all I can think is that the tool he's using is like a tiny version of one of the old person extendo-arm grabbers.
- Leopard spot tattoos - so tacky they're not tacky?
- Wait, they go down at least to her butt. No. Tacky.
- I think everyone in this movie except Penelope Cruz is faking an accent and it's very distracting.
- Javier Bardem just described the scariest way of killing someone that I've ever heard in my whole life. Even though I know he's an actor I would run away if I saw him on the street.
- I love phrases that couples share. I think it's part of why I like Stephen King so much - he's good at the internal language of relationships. MF and PC just said 'I intend to love you until I die', 'me first', 'not on your life', and it felt like code.
- OH MY GOD this is a Cormac McCarthy screenplay. I hate Cormac McCarthy. Damn it, HBO.
- Oh hai long haired Brad Pitt in a white suit and Panama hat.
- See this is what I hate about Cormac McCarthy. The main character is never going to be called anything but 'counselor', and he's a lawyer. So come on, that's not his name. Just tell his his name. He's not nameless. We see him. He's an adult man who knows people. Adults who know people have names.
- I was literally JUST WONDERING what the hell happened to Rosie Perez. This, apparently. She looks good in jail clothes, they should put her in Season 3 of OITNB.
- Casual misogyny in the form of joking about prostitution and then implying that her price would be rock bottom. Charming.
- Pro tip: Sneaking trucks through a road block is easier if they smell terrible, apparently. Actually makes sense, no one likes to smell smelly things (except dogs but they rarely man (dog) (mandog) (dogman) roadblocks).
- I think I just drifted away for like ten minutes. This movie is slow, but now Cameron Diaz is confessing to a priest and it's awkward. He's all 'I can't forgive you because you're not Catholic' and CD is all 'it's fine dude I just want to tell you about my sex life'.
... Guys, someday I'm going to pick a movie and watch the whole thing.
This is not that day or that movie.
Upside, no spoilers for anyone who totally wants to watch a movie written by a dude whose books don't include quotation marks!