Colorado. Runner. Yogi. Fucking hilarious, like, 17% of the time.

I know where I'll be Friday morning

Actually, I don't. I may watch the ceremony. On ABC, probably, because that seems to be where it's streaming live.

(If you don't know what ceremony I'm talking about, where the hell have you been for the last three months? No, really? Did you go to space? Was it nice there?)

I don't really care about Wills and Kate in any major way. I sort of knew that Prince William had a girlfriend, and I was sort of cranky because that meant that I wasn't Prince William's girlfriend (or more accurately, Princess-to-be Emma). I'm not nuts about Harry and his Ron Weasley hair.

I do, however, have a few more chances to become a princess.

Hamdan bin Mohammed Al Maktoum


  • He's almost the same age as me (being that ten-years older queen screams of Katherine, sent away by Henry VIII when he found someone younger).
  • He's pretty cute.
  • He's the hereditary prince of Dubai. You know, Dubai? Where they build islands shaped like pineapples just cause they feel like it?


  • "Sheikh Hamdan also has a passion for camels, cars and skydiving."

Prince Azim


  • He apparently throws banging parties (his 27th birthday was named Party of the Year in 2009). Diana Ross was there. Meeting Diana Ross would be almost as awesome as marrying a prince. Plus, Scarlett Johansson was there, and in 2009 she was still with Ryan Reynolds, and he was probably there too, and he is one of my many potential soulmates, and I bet he totally would make out with a princess.
  • He is all kinds of charitable.
  • He is heir to a the $22 billion fortune of Brunei.


  • It's rumored that he pays those celebrities to attend his parties.
  • Look at his goatee.


Prince Carl Philip


  • Just look at him. A prince and a face like that? Dude.
  • I can in fact point to Sweden on a map. Dubai and Brunei? Not so much.


  • He has a girlfriend. Or possibly two. Maybe three. One was named Emma.

Prince Andrea Casiraghi


  • Again - how do you get to be the heir to a throne AND LOOK LIKE THAT?
  • I bet if you're dating the prince of Monaco you get some wicked good seats to that car race thing they do.


  • He's apparently sort of a player. That's a mediocre con at best.
  • He's 26. That's not quite Katherine territory, but it's getting close.
  • He's not actually exactly a prince. Prince Albert II has to die without having (legitimate) kids, and then Andrea has to chance his name to Grimaldi, and then he'll be prince.

Princes Albert

There are at least two Prince Alberts. One races cars and one might be gay and also has to die so that Andrea (above) can be prince.


  • ... in a can.

Prince Wenzeslaus


  • He's 36.
  • The Liechtenstein royals are the richest royal family in Europe.


  • He used to date Adriana Lima (the Victoria's Secret model).  There's nothing wrong with that, I just don't really feel like seeing my picture next to hers in every tabloid forever and ever.
  • There are a bunch of pictures of him in stupid tee-shirts.

Prince Philippos


  • He goes to Georgetown University - easier to find.
  • Greece is cool.


  • Greece technically abolished their monarchy, so the princess thing is sort of nominal.
  • He's 25. And also looks like he wears a lot of hair product.


There you go. Those are my remaining chances for having a royal wedding of my own.

Unless of course Crockett has royal lineage and hasn't told me.

But if I'm secretly hoping for a surprise royal lineage, I'm going to go ahead and hope that it's mine, not his.

I want to be my own princess.

Tomorrow - the royal wedding food!

Friday, if I feel like it, perhaps I'll liveblog the wedding itself!

(Apparently I care about this more than I claimed several paragraphs and princes ago).


so many terrible jokes, so little time