Colorado. Runner. Yogi. Fucking hilarious, like, 17% of the time.

Actual quote from a Shane Co radio commercial.

A few years from now her ears won't have grown, but her desire for a larger diamond will.

What does that mean? No, really. I know it had a little more context than that. It seemed to have something to do with earmuffs, of all things - like, you can buy her earmuffs but is that a gift that has the potential to keep on giving?

This is a season of endless jewelry advertising. There are gifts to be given and there is the potential for romance. Any man with a woman in his life is told that sparkles are de rigueur. Any woman with a man in her life who ends up without said sparkles is left wondering if maybe her man doesn't love her as much as that cute foreign guy in the Jared commercial loves his lady.

I've grown accustomed to said advertising. I don't particularly like it, and that's mostly because I'm not immune to a little emotional manipulation, but I can usually tune it out (or change the station).


Now? Not only are diamonds required, now you have to give/get jewelry that can be upgraded every couple of years?

Last season, women were superficial folks who needed glittery gifts to be happy.

This season, not only do our gifts need to be glittery, they also need to be able to grow as our desire for larger diamonds does?

Why will I want a larger diamond next year?

Because Shane Co will tell me I do.

It's a diabolical plan, really.

Diamond Company Four Part Plan:

  1. We say women want diamonds. We say it loudly and enthusiastically and A LOT and eventually you will believe it, so you might as well just accept it. Women want diamonds.
  2. The diamond you're buying now, person who is shopping for a woman, is fine for this year, but next year we're going to tell her that it's too small. We will say it a lot. You will hear it in your dreams. You might as well just accept it.
  3. Instead of buying something that will just languish away in a jewelry box embarrassed by it's  tininess, buy jewelry that you can put bigger diamonds in! We'll take your old diamonds back (probably) and sell them to someone that you're clearly better than!
  4. Repeat.

I have an alternate plan.

  1. Men: hop on the first plane to Bangkok, because that's where the Golden Jubilee Diamond is. It's 545 carats, so whichever one of you gets there first will probably be able to keep your diamond needing lady happy for quite some time. Spare no expense and probably bring some machine guns, because I doubt it's actually for sale. Based on what I've learned from advertisers, a diamond larger than her fist will probably lead to tears and also sex. (It's not 100% clear if those two things will happen at the same time, but since you probably just killed a bunch of guards to get the damned diamond, do you really care?)
  2. Um... yeah, I covered it all in step 1.

P.S. Crockett, I don't want diamonds - upgradable or otherwise. Unless they're brown. Because those things are fucking gorgeous.

P.P.S. Ok, I'm kidding about the brown diamond thing.

P.P.P.S. Probably.

haitus. sabbatical. pause. gap.

still rock and roll to me