Grades were posted yesterday at 10 am. At 10:01, hands shaking, I logged in. I did fine.
I don't deal well with being evaluated. That's an unfortunate quality in a student. In an adult, really. Without evaluation, how do you know your weaknesses? The thing is, I'm not particularly interested in my weaknesses. Yesterday on Lifehacker I read this thing about playing to your strengths rather than focusing on where you need improvement. The idea being, I guess, that as you get better at things you'll either gain the confidence to tackle your problem areas or you'll not need to work in them at all anymore.
I kind of like this idea, but I don't think I like it for the right reasons. I don't like it because I think it's good to focus on the positive (although I do). I don't like it because I think it makes more sense than working to improve your problem areas (I don't, actually). I like it because I really truly hate to face up to things I'm not good at.
Part of that, of course, is that I've spent my life up until this point doing exactly what the article recommends. I spend time improving on the things I think I'm good at. I like to write, and I'm not a bad writer, so I write. I like to draw, and I have a ... unique style - so I draw. I love it when lots of people look at me, and I'm good at bossing people around, so I volunteer to be in charge of things.
I am not good at programming. I'm getting better, but every time I turned a program in for a grade I got a nervous feeling in my belly. I don't want to submit to the world (or, you know, my professor) something that I don't feel represents me in the best light. I don't want to show anyone the things that I am not good at.
Basically I want everyone to think I'm perfect. Absolutely, completely perfect.
Which, obviously, is why I don't like to be evaluated. You don't evaluate perfection - you just stand back and admire.
Which is why this time next semester I'll probably log on to my school account with my hands shaking to see how I did.