Colorado. Runner. Yogi. Fucking hilarious, like, 17% of the time.

Have you noticed all the times that I'm all 'hey, you guys, I'm starting this new thing!!' I get all excited and I do whatever it is once, maybe twice, and then it disappears in the morass that is the inside of my covered-with-(REALLY-FREAKING-LONG)-brown-haired-head. What fell into that category?

At some point, I did it. I subscribed to Gweneth Paltrow’s newsletter, and she’s been mailing me her thoughts every week since. She calls it GOOP because, apparently, those are her initials. If those were my initials I probably would have called it something else, but she’s gorgeous and rich and married to a rock star, so who am I to second guess her?

I’m starting a new thing, inspired by TJ’s Cosmo Cliff’s Notes. I know you don’t want to subscribe to Ms. Paltrow’s GOOPiness. I know I’m not going to stop reading it, because I seriously can’t. So – I’ll read it for you. How does that sound?

I have continued to get these emails at a rate of about once a week, and every time one shows up I think 'what happened to Inside GOOP? That had promise'.

Honestly, guys, it didn't have that much promise, but it's Nablopomo and I got jack all else to write about right now, so. Here. We. Go. (I once read that overpunctuation increases excitement. That's what I was going for there.)

On this fine Wednesday, our Miss Paltrow is helping us celebrate the holidays.

By spending money.

On stuff that's personalized.

The ALL NEW Be Like Gwen List of Stuff that You Probably Don't Need but Can Pay to Put Your Name On This Holiday Season:

  1. Cocodot, for all your Christmas card and Christmas party invitation needs. This year, in tartan! If the tartan doesn't convince you, the enthusiastic quote from David Arquette that graces the front page might. Unless, that is, you don't care what the jerk who cheated on Courtney Cox thinks about your Christmas cards - your call.
  2. Do you remember the last time that you got a card in the mail? Remember how you stood outside, next to the mailbox, and enjoyed the stamp for awhile? Oh, yeah, not very many people do that. Among folks who didn't get that memo are Gweneth Paltrow and the US Postal Service. You can upload your own photo, and the USPS will put it on a stamp for you. If you've always dreamed of having your zip code stamped onto a image of your child's face over and over again, now is your chance.
  3. Leather goods for men. Come on, Gwennie, try a little harder. You recommend this: I bought this for Crockett almost a year ago: I feel so superior right now. Also, a $52 leather flyswatter? ARE YOU JOKING?
  4. Buy your child stripey PJs with his or her name on the front. No, really, do. They are goddamn adorable. This is not sarcasm.
  5. Buy your child a $50 hairclip holder! Perfect for the $15 hairclips sold by the same company! (This, here, is sarcasm. I don't buy $15 clips for my hair, and I'm (slightly) less likely to lose or ruin things than a little tiny person is.)
  6. Are you a parent? Do you have parents of your own? Do your parents think that your children are the most fabulous artists ever? If so, man alive, is today your lucky day. For a mere $1,500, designer Jan Eleni will take 112 of your kids drawings and put them in a really big frame. PERFECT for grandparents. What's that you say? Why couldn't you put them in a frame yourself and save $1,450? Well, see... .she shrinks them. Or... something.

Are you wondering if she stopped at 6? I mean, we've covered your cards, your boyfriend or husband, your kids, and your parents. What else do we need? How about $250 throw pillow with a photograph of your choosing silkscreened onto it? No? A $475 portrait of two of your fingerprints?

I literally can't list the rest. I just.. .can't. But the next time you run across, say, a life sized zebra that makes real zebra noises and is stuffed with pure joy, you know who the target market is. Our Miss P.

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