Colorado. Runner. Yogi. Fucking hilarious, like, 17% of the time.

new thing: story thursday

Everyone has stories, right? You know, those stories that all of your friends have heard 10,000 times? I'm opening Thursdays for story submission. If something awesome or hilarious happened to you and you've run out of people to tell, you can tell us. We promise to be totally amused (right, guys?).

If you'd like to contribute, email me at emmanationblog at

I was going to kick off today with my Turkish brothel story, but that's kind of a long one. (I sincerely hope you're now saying to yourself 'Turkish brothel story?? I MUST tune in on every future Thursday so that I don't miss what is sure to be a scintillating tale full of intrigue and Russian prostitutes!')

Instead, I will leave you with this.

Once, I worked at a wedding cake bakery in a snotty part of Denver. My boss was a Polish man named Janus who was (and probably still is) insane. I rarely understood the words coming out of his mouth, but I thought he was awesome.

While working there, I used vodka to help decorate cakes - I mixed it with powdered food coloring and sprayed or painted it onto the frosting, and then the vodka evaporated, leaving behind the color.

One day, I came in and didn't see Janus. He'd been there when I left, working on a sugar sculpture for the top of a cake, and the decoration was there. The door was unlocked. The bottle of vodka was on the counter. Empty. Working with sugar does NOT require vodka, but it does require a serious level of care. Sugar melts at about 185 degrees, but when it's boiling it can be above 300. If you get it on you when it's hot, it sticks and keeps burning you. Not only is vodka not required for sugar work, it should probably be avoided.


Was sleeping in the walk in refrigerator. He drank over a pint of vodka, worked with boiling sugar, and then spent the night in the fridge.

He was like the best boss ever.

wave those little dino arms

what with the breakdown and all