Colorado. Runner. Yogi. Fucking hilarious, like, 17% of the time.


You know those goofy movies where someone can wiggle time around? Hermione in Harry Potter* had her egg timer thingy. Adam Sandler in Click had his remote control. Bill and Ted had their phone booth. Those guys in Primer had… that thing they had. I would like one of those, and it’s not because I would like more hours in the day to be productive. It’s because I would like more hours in the day in which to slack off.

There is so much fun stuff to do! I don’t know how I ever actually got any work done… perhaps it was that someone was paying me and I found that motivating, although I find that less likely than you might expect. Seriously, between the internet, books, and creative pursuits like writing and painting and stuff, I would make the best retired person.

Here’s what I would do if I had all of the above time traveller dohickies.

  • I would use Hermione’s to nap. It’s perfect because you aren’t messing with other people’s timelines, you’re just doubling up yourself and can therefore sneak into a closet and snooze while the other you goes about your business.
  • I would use Adam Sandler’s to fast forward through headaches, and that only. Using it for more than that didn’t work out well for him, and never let it be said that I don’t know how to take advice from movies. Particularly movies that are most famous for an Academy Award nomination for best makeup.
  • I would use the phone booth to visit historical folks, because that’s how Bill and Ted would have wanted it. I’d start with Napoleon, because I’ve always thought that guy seemed like he probably had a secret sense of humor. That hand in the shirt thing had to be a joke.
  • Finally, I’d use the Primer machine for two things. First, I’d go back in time to watch Primer until I understood the whole thing, beginning to end. After the several years that would take, I’d become a day trader. What? How did you think I would finance all this napping/movie watching/Napoleon visiting?

What would you do?

*I know, it was a book first. If you’re going to be this picky you should probably go have a drink before finishing this post.

Cotton and Under, sitting in a tree

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