Colorado. Runner. Yogi. Fucking hilarious, like, 17% of the time.

in other news, musicians are motherfucking sexy

On Saturday night Crockett and I went to see Gregory Alan Isakov.

I have no words with which to describe for you how truly amazing that musician is. He's not hugely handsome - unless, of course, you like your men short and balding.

However? When he's on stage?

I would hit that.

Except? I have dated musicians. Until Crockett, actually, I dated mostly musicians. I understand the appeal, and I'm going to break it down for you and then tell you why it's pretty much bullshit.

The appeal

When musicians are on stage, they are effectively having partnerless sex. Lest you be concerned that I mean they're ... ahem... pleasuring themselves, rest assured that it's not the same. Musicians are having two person sex minus a specific partner. They're beyond happy - they're joyous. They have an energy that comes from an internal place, and non-performers never bring that energy to a public place. They do, however, bring it to bed.

Basically? The privacy and gladness that most of us feel when we're being intimate are on display in musicians, and as audience members we pick up on that. We feel that we're sharing something confidential and that, almost without exception, makes us feel closer to the musicians themselves. It's like the first time you have sex with someone new, except without them actually knowing your name. (For some of you that may be the case with new sex partners anyway. Rest assured that I'm not judging you - although I do hope that if you are sleeping with anonymous partners you're giving them hilarious nicknames. Without knowing anything about them, can I suggest Pale Baldy, Slightly to the Left, and Redheaded Stranger?)

The reality

This is one of those things that people say about movie stars all the time, but I'm going to reiterate it in this case because I feel it's applicable.

Musicians are regular people.

I don't mean this the way that people who say 'Robert Pattinson puts his pants on one leg at a time' mean it. Unless those people are Kristen Stewart, they don't actually know how Mr. Pattinson puts his pants on.

The musicians that you see in real life - those ones in bars and local clubs and headlining at fall festivals? They are normal people. I have dated a few (some)(ok most)(no really just some) of them, and I can tell you for sure.

The life of a band girlfriend is not dancing then kissing your man on stage with jealous groupies watching.

The life of a band girlfriend is hauling guitars into bars at 6 pm and then carrying them back to the car at 2 am. It's dancing all night to get the crowd riled up and then letting one of said crowd hit on your man because it's good for his tee shirt sales. It's only going to dinner on weeknights because weekend nights are saved for 'gigs'. It's hawking CDs while someone else gets on stage and shakes her breasts in your man's face.

As the retired lead singer of a local band, I can tell you that the life of a band boyfriend is similar. Replace 'guitars' with 'amps' and 'dancing all night' with 'standing stoically against the wall and drinking beer all night' and you're just about there. (The breasts thing? That still totally happens.)

The outcome

If you're going to be out dancing anyway and you're not the jealous type? Follow those lustful feelings. Just be aware than when you leave the bar after seeing that one band for the first time, feeling that you and that drummer really had a connection? That musician was having sex with the music. Not you.

how I hate you, jiggly milk

Cotton and Under, sitting in a tree