Colorado. Runner. Yogi. Fucking hilarious, like, 17% of the time.

Ask Emma

It's Help for Boys week at Ask Emma (apparently). Dear Emma,

My girlfriend and I are thinking about going on vacation together for the first time. I'm worried because, until now, we've never shared a bathroom for an extended period of time.

I know she ... does stuff, in the bathroom, but I don't want to know about it. What's the best way to ask her to wait until I'm out of the hotel room to do her business?


Picky Pete

Dear Pete,

If your girlfriend is anything like me, she's already considered this and has several fake errands for you to run in the morning (or evening, depending on her personal internal schedule). In that case, just get the hell out of the room when she asks you to and don't come back for fifteen minutes - a buffer never hurts.

If your girlfriend is NOT like me, however, I don't think there's any good way to address this. 'Hey honey, I can't get my mind around the fact that you are a human being with working intestinal pieces', while literal, makes you sound like an asshat. 'Sweetheart, I'd prefer to believe that, as a woman, you don't poop' is even worse. I'm inclined to think that either of those statements would probably derail your vacation before it even started.

Basically? If you love her, love her guts and trust that she'll share whatever is appropriate for her.



Dear Emma,

I dated a girl in college. We broke up sort of contentiously but it's been a long time and we're facebook friends now.

Here's the thing: I live with my current girlfriend and we're adopting a dog together. The puppy is a girl and my favorite name is the name of my college girlfriend. Can I name my dog the same thing as a woman I used to sleep with? Do I have to tell my current girlfriend that that's the name? I always like the name, even before college.

Thank you,

Uncreative Earl

Dear Earl,

You want to name your dog after your college girlfriend? At least sort of?

That is so fucked up, and I will tell you why.

That happened to me.

Seriously. I had two moderately serious boyfriends in college, and years later when I was catching up with the first one he informed me that he and his girlfriend were adopting a dog. He said "I wanted to name her Emma because I've always liked that name... but, you know."


No, I don't know. Apparently he decided it was a bad idea, because they named the dog something else. Unless you and the college girl dated for less than a month, I suggest you do the same. Sure, you probably won't think of her every time you say the dog's name. Sure, your new girlfriend probably won't either. But some of those times? You will. And if your new girlfriend finds out later instead of now that you picked a past loves name for your new shared fuzzy statement of commitment?

You're fucked.

You know?

Love, Emma

beautiful mind

pack up the babies and grab the old ladies