Colorado. Runner. Yogi. Fucking hilarious, like, 17% of the time.

It’s the first annual Ask Emma! By annual, I mean… fortnightly, maybe? Annual just sounds more celebratory, somehow. Let me have my little pleasures. Dear Emma,

I’ve noticed that you have sort of a small house. I have a small house too. What’s your advice for decorating to make it feel larger?

Thanks, Small Home Sally

Dear Sally,

There are two ways we can go here.

Way 1: Mirrors. Effective use of space. Blah blah blah.

Way 2: Have you noticed how ‘green’ is like, a thing, now? Green is so much of a thing that if I asked Crockett about the new tee shirt he bought last week and he said ‘it’s green’, I wouldn’t know if he meant color or environmental correctness*.

Rather than decorating to make your house look bigger, decorate in a way that makes you feel good. Then, when your friends come in and say ‘wow, your house is really small’, you can say ‘it’s green’. You’ll be saying that partially because it will make them shut up (have you considered getting new friends?) and partially because it’s true. Smaller living spaces almost without exception lead to smaller environmental footprints.

Bonus points if you actually paint the walls green. Mine are. That’s a second layer of greenness. If it’s low VOC paint, that’s a third layer. You’re a small housed green maven. Congratulations, Sally.

Love, Emma

Dear Emma,

I’m in college, and I met someone. He’s everything I ever wanted, except he’s not that cute. I feel like when people look at us, they’ll clearly declare me the loser of the relationship game, because I’m much better looking than he is.

Should I just get over it and date him, or should I hold out for someone who is as cute as I am?

Pretty Polly

Dear Polly,

First of all, I apologize for changing your name to Polly. I couldn’t help it – it fit so well with Sally AND with Pretty. It was destiny.

Second of all, I think you should date someone else. Not because other people will be judging you for dating someone less attractive than you are, but because you will be judging you.

It’s a (semi) established fact that women care less about the appearance of their partner as a relationship progresses, whereas men will maintain the same level of attractedness that they started with. That would lead me to say stick it out, honey, because you’re not going to think he’s cute in five years anyway…

Except? Personally, I call bullshit. Crockett is hot. I know it, and even if I didn’t, waitresses, flight attendants, and adorable gay men do. It’s important to me that he’s hot, and it sounds like it’s important to you too.

You’re in college. You have time.  If dating him will embarrass you, he’ll be able to tell. Save yourselves both the drama and try someone else.

Love, Emma

*I would never actually think Crockett bought a 'green' shirt because even if he did, he would never describe it as 'green'. He would consider that a little too hipster, while everyone knows that we're bobos.

I shall have a daughter

can't post too busy