Colorado. Runner. Yogi. Fucking hilarious, like, 17% of the time.

let's go surfing now everybody's learning how

Shopping for swimsuits is a gigantic pain in the ass, did you know that? We're 44 days from here:

I have two swimsuits but they're both sort of old and sort of blah and I just want one that's completely livable. One that I can put on when we roll out of our bunk that's apparently the size of Marshall and Lily's dirty dirty sex bed and not take off until it's time to climb back into it.

My primary complaints:

1) What the hell is this about?

Honestly. This girl is lovely, but where are the sides of her swimsuit? The prospect of the tan lines alone are making my head hurt.

2) This.

I love a cute butt as much as the next girl, but what the hell is going on here? The comfort level of this seems suspicious.

3) This.

If Jon Gosselin were a woman, this would be his suit. Such a thing should never have been created.

4) The sizing.

Since I am an ex-derby girl (otherwise known as the most gigantic derby quitter of 2010), I know a lot of strong, big women. We're not talking about the ohmygod fattyfatfat!!!eleventy!! crisis that the media is so worked up about. We're talking about my friends that kick ass on rollerskates for hours a week, that are strong enough to keep their balance when they're walloped at full speed, and that probably have less cellulite than I do. They, in general, are probably close to the average US woman's height (63.8 inches) and weight (165 pounds).  That's a 37 inch waist.

I'm 60.5 inches tall and I have a fairly normal torso to leg length ratio. That means that my torso is several inches shorter than swimsuit manufacturers tend to expect.

Do you know what the choices are for 37 inch waists? Out of the 2708 swimsuits that Zappos currently offers, there are 68 that come in that size, and there is no option to buy tops and bottoms separately - you're stuck with one pieces or some truly horrific sets.

Do you know what the choices are for petite women? Bikinis. No, seriously - that's the answer. The smallest one piece that I can find on Zappos has a torso measurement of 56 inches - which is about an inch and a half too long. Either I tie up the straps or I experience the diaper effect - awesome.

How can this suck so much? Does ANYONE like shopping for swimsuits? Please, tell me if you do - I'm headed towards not liking shopping right now, and clearly that's not ok.

9:58 am

a cartoon view of my office today