Colorado. Runner. Yogi. Fucking hilarious, like, 17% of the time.


At some point, I did it. I subscribed to Gweneth Paltrow's newsletter, and she's been mailing me her thoughts every week since. She calls it GOOP because, apparently, those are her initials. If those were my initials I probably would have called it something else, but she's gorgeous and rich and married to a rock star, so who am I to second guess her?

I'm starting a new thing, inspired by TJ's Cosmo Cliff's Notes. I know you don't want to subscribe to Ms. Paltrow's GOOPiness. I know I'm not going to stop reading it, because I seriously can't. So - I'll read it for you. How does that sound?

This week's advice comes in the form of DO. See, she switches between DO, MAKE, SET, GET, etc. Spoiler alert - they all include GETTING stuff.

Hair Tips and How-To’s

A couple of my friends have asked me to gather some information on an often vexing issue for men and women alike: hair - health, styles, and otherwise. I have asked our very knowledgeable contributors for their tips and tricks of the trade, which are simple and (very) helpful.

Love, gp

First, we get wisdom from Orlo Pita, hairstylist to the stars blahblah. He shows you how to do this season's hottest style. It apparently includes two fishtail braids, a $20 can of hairspray, and a $160 hair straightener. If you have those things, then basically this is what you do: fishtail down either side, tie them together in back with string that matches your hair, and smoosh them around so you look like a hippie who did her hair two weeks ago.

Once you've mastered that look, you're ready for some advice from Ricky of Ricky's NYC. (If you don't know who that is, then I'm certainly not going to tell you. Mostly because I don't know either.) Ricky, in his ultimate genius, recommends that you purchase an extra special $200 straightener for your roots, a matching $200 'waver' (to create hair that looks naturally curly), and some extra special bobby pins that do not leave a crease in your hair when you take them out. I'm guessing he doesn't want you to use them all at the same time, but if hippie hippie fishtails are in, maybe straight/wavy/bobby pinned/creaseless hair is too?

Once you have all the right tools, then you're ready for the wisdom of Philip Kingsley. The man coined the phrase 'bad hair day' and is the chairman of the board of The Institute of Trichologists*, so you know he knows what he's talking about. Since hair is protein, he suggests eat yourself LOTS of meat, take his protein supplements, and use his scalp and hair masks (each $7 for two tablespoons). I don't know what his views on vegetarians are, because Ms. Paltrow herself is only meatless on Mondays. (See all of the fascinating things GOOP has already taught me?)

*I did not make this word up.

Finally, once you have all of these tools, tricks, and treats at home? Do something that according to Ms. Paltrow is virtually impossible at home - get stick straight hair. The steps to doing this include: washing your hair, blowdrying it in sections, using a straightening iron, setting up a mirror so you can see the front AND the back at the same time, and sleeping on a satin pillow. There's no mention regarding the color of the pillow, but to be safe I'm guessing you should probably have it custom dyed to match your hair.

There you go. For this week's GOOP - buy expensive stuff and play with your hair. It's what all of the actress/mom/rockstar wives are doing.

mental health is crucial

love me, love me, say that you love me