Someone hit a raccoon with their car, and it's laying on the side of the highway right in front of the exit I take to get to my office. I have seen it on my way in every day this week, and every day it makes me sad. This morning I consciously averted my eyes, but knowing it was there and I was doing it the injustice of IGNORING it made it even worse. I love animals so much that it sometimes interferes with the relationships that I have with people. For example, during a meeting yesterday? Instead of listening to my boss talk? I was drawing these:
See? Productive use of my time? No. Funnier than the drawings of hedgehogs getting married that I usually draw during meetings? Perhaps.
And do you remember when I wrote a post about how I learned all this stuff from my puppies?
Where was I going with this? Oh right. I like animals. I see them as having rich inner lives, whether I have evidence for that or not. I hate it when they get hurt, and I like to use them as role models when possible.
Therefore, my new favorite animal is the honey badger.
Honey badgers live in Africa, south Asia, and west India. They have their own genus, Mellivora, which I am now TOTALLY naming my first daughter. (Sorry in advance, sweetie.) And - honey badgers are perfect for me.
- Her name includes the word 'honey'. I love honey, both as a sweetener and an endearment.
- She's pretty little compared to all of the other savannah wildlife - 15 to 20 pounds. That's like Cloey sized! And, if I were an African animal, me sized!
- She is the toughest motherfucker around
- The Guinness book of world records named her the 'worlds most fearless animal'
- She sticks her whole body into bee hives to get her delicious honey snacks - pissed off African honeybees be damned
- Her skin is loose enough that if someone gets ahold of it, she can squirm around inside her own skin and bite the bitch holding her
- Her normal diet includes the aforementioned honey; normal stuff like mice and eggs; slightly less normal stuff like crocodiles and black mambas; wild cats and jackals; and carrion - including reports of her actually disinterring human remains.
- She has an attack MO that any American self defense class would be proud of - she goes straight for the testicles when she's attacked. Straight up castration of both other animals and humans. (One of the benefits of being so low to the ground, huh honey?)
One time? Seven lions were eating a wildebeest they'd killed. 3 honey badgers strolled up and the lions hightailed it, leaving the wildebeest for the honeys.
I need a little more honey badger in my life. I'm not sure exactly where to start - going straight for the scrotum doesn't seem totally wise - but I'll figure something out.