Colorado. Runner. Yogi. Fucking hilarious, like, 17% of the time.

I think we're alone now...

I'm back! Sort of. There's a slight possibility I may have just fallen asleep at my desk for a few minutes, and I'm sending all my calls to voicemail to avoid making my throat hurt any worse than it already does - but I'm back nonetheless. (Lest you holler 'but Emma! Don't make your coworkers sick!', rest assured that I have now been on antibiotics for 48 hours and am therefore likely not contagious. Also, my company culture is such that attendance trumps illness.)

So anyway, what pearls of wisdom do I have to share with you today? Aside from my apparent and hopefully temporary penchant for high falutin' language like 'penchant' and 'pearls of wisdom', that is?

You may have noticed a slight ruckus regarding a comment on my last post. My beloved friend Star and our friend Beauty Queen are both still playing derby (although Beauty Queen is taking some time off-skates in order to guarantee that she'll be unbroken for her upcoming honeymoon). When we were all at the bout this last Saturday night, Star and Beauty Queen decided to become derby wives.

From the Ohio Roller Girls website:

A derby wife is quite simply this -

She is the one person in this whole sport of roller derby that the very instant you looked at her, you felt like you'd known her since you were a fetus. She looked just like your best friend from fifth grade, or something she did reminded you of all the things you ever liked in anyone else. She is the first person you'd call if you ever need to get bailed out of jail. (Or in my case, ever need to have an entire legal crusade started in your name.) She's the one who will be holding back your hair when you puke after drinking too much, and she won't let anyone take your picture while doing it. She'll ride in the ambulance with you when you lose a tooth, break your wrist, or tear your ACL. She'll make you laugh the whole way to the hospital, try to steal your pain medication (lovingly), and sneak your favorite food and a beer into recovery. She'll make her actual husband understand that if he loves her, he's gonna have to put up with you, too, no matter how many times you come over forcing him to revisit all the derby-related shows on his Tivo that you missed. She may not even be your best friend in the league or the sport, but she'd be the one you know will be the first one to back you up, even if you're dead wrong. She'll just tell you you've lost your f#$king mind later in private, possibly kick your ass a little bit, and then be the only one who could ever talk your hotheaded ass into some reason. If you can find more than one derby wife who can meet those needs, then you are lucky indeed, but myself? I'm a one derby wife gal.

Are you jealous? Because seriously, I was jealous. Like, really jealous.

Then, on Sunday, Star proposed to me. She wasn't able to find a ring in time, so she was sort of a slacker about it, but I seem to be the kind of girl who attracts non-traditional proposals anyway, so I wasn't insulted.


Anyway, Star is now my derby fiancée, which is as close to derby wives as a skater and a ref can get.

However, since that basically means Star is two-timing Beauty Queen, and because me and Beauty Queen love each other too, I'm now Beauty Queen's derby mistress.

Got it? I hope so.

I realize this seems a little silly, but I do just adore these girls. I'm not traditionally great with female friendships. I don't tend to do well with the maintenance they involve - not answering my phone is one of my greatest pleasures in life, and I'm notoriously stingy with my time. Add that to the fact that I have been known to inadvertently steal boyfriends (yeah, whoops), and I'm not everyone's favorite girlfriend.

I have my mom and Crockett, and they are truly my best friends, but I have been looking for girls like Star and Beauty Queen for a long time.

Star is insanely fun. She made me a crown shaped birthday cake after having known me for a only a month, and she keeps me entertained all day long via IM. We have an entire storyline involving Saltine crumbs living in the internet and being her adoring fans. She is the best kind of silly and I don't remember what I used to do all day before I met her.

Beauty Queen is gorgeously caring. As I mentioned, she is getting married soon, and her excitement over it is possibly the cutest thing I have ever seen. She is vegetarian and sometimes vegan, she takes amazing care of her soon-to-be stepchildren, and she is always always there when I want to say something serious. AND she spent hours talking to me about makeup, and is going to give me a makeover as soon as we both have some free time (i.e. sometime in September, probably).

Really, even though derby broke my tailbone, my knee, and occasionally my spirits, I could not be happier that I gave it a shot. Because derby girls are awesome (even if they choose to derby marry each other and not me).

I'm going back to bed now. Under my desk, if necessary.

real quick

boo hoo hoo