Colorado. Runner. Yogi. Fucking hilarious, like, 17% of the time.

god bless standardized testing

I'm back from Portland, and have decided to make a major life change. I'll tell you (in detail and ad nauseam, no doubt) about it soon, but first I have to tell you alllll about my trip. Day 1: Thursday

Schedule: Airport arrival, enabling LB (lil bro, Sam, tiniest sprinter, whatever you wanna call him) to leave work early. Lunch. Nap. Run. Movies.

Level of inebriation: As you may remember from my Thursday post, I was drunk by the time LB picked me up from the airport. In Portland, that's how I role. My nap sobered me up enough to go for a run, but I picked right back up when I got home. Total consumption: 1 bloody maria, six glasses of wine.

Notable occurrences:

We got into a... um... heated discussion about whether the pedophilia joke in the beginning of the hangover is funny or a perpetuation of rape culture. For an hour and a half.

I met Dawn of SoSoVelo, formerly of the movie club, and found her awesome.

Day 2: Friday

Schedule: Run. The tiny mob hit the town for a vegan bakery, errands, an food. Picking up Taylor. Shopping for a party that required animal costumes. Going to said party.

Level of inebriation: As LB's boo (hereby known as Boo) was our beloved driver, LB and I carried around a flask of whiskey. Total consumption: whiskey (lots), 1 beer.

Notable occurrences:

Boo needed to go to her school to print something out. LB and I took ourselves and our whiskey with her, and were busted playing Jason Mraz on my iPhone speaker and dancing around by a very sweet girl who clearly thought we were some of Boo's special needs students.

I got a truly horrific headache (I keep insisting it was not from drinking whiskey all day, but really, who do I think I'm kidding) and missed the dress up party.

Day 3: Saturday

Schedule: Shopping. Tattoos. A party that involved dressing up in swimsuits and hanging out in a warehouse meant to be a beach.

Level of inebriation: Gradually increasing, with a break in the middle for tattoo getting. I had learned my lesson about the whiskey, so I replaced it with a jelly jar full of red wine. That spilled in my purse. Total consumption: quarter bottle of wine, 4 beers. Probably. Maybe 5.

Notable occurrences:

Yes, we got matching tattoos. Yes, they say 'Distinguished Expert'. No, they are not henna (mom). Yes, it is the coolest thing ever.

After the four hour tattooing process, we failed to go to the beach party. We ate chinese food and drank instead. Which was also cool.

Day 4: Sunday

Are you exhausted yet? Man alive, I was wiped out by this time.

Schedule: Run. Stumptown and Voodoo Doughnuts. Movies. Drinking.

Level of inebriation: Consistently high. Total consumption: umm.... eight to ten beers over the day? Ish?

Notable occurrences:

Two girls in front of us at Voodoo Doughnut decided that a Sunday morning was the perfect time to try the Tex-Ass Challenge, despite the already forty-five minute line behind them. The Tex-Ass Challenge is eating a doughnut that is the size of six regular doughnuts in 80 seconds.

They failed.

I met Andrew of Yes I Said Yes and Black Devil Doll fame, and Jason of SoSoVelo and movie club. I proclaimed them awesome.

I was sent to the store for chasers, as we had vodka but had consumed all of our organic fruit juices.

I started to fade towards, oh, 9:30 (as we old folks are wont to do), and Jason said that I was a disappointment. LB and I had an immediate dance party, which of course rectified the situation.

There you go. That was my trip to Portland (at least the parts I remember). I am sad to not be there anymore, but I'm pretty sure my liver is saying a tiny hallelujah.

blowing alley floors

Sunday Talkie