Colorado. Runner. Yogi. Fucking hilarious, like, 17% of the time.

liveblogging denver american idol

In case you didn't know, I tried out for American Idol wayyyy back in July. Spoiler alert - I'm not currently in Hollywood. But since I was there and I tried out (and made it past the first cattle call), I'm gonna go ahead and give you my secret insights while I watch the auditions.

7:01 Holy shit, I just saw my headband in the crowd. I was THERE, MAN.

7:05 Victoria Beckham, I'm completely in love with you. True story.

7:06 Dear Randy, I love you. I do. You do not in any way, shape, or form look like David Beckham. You are someone I would totally bang because you're sweet and handsome and also famous. I would bang David Beckham if he were a homeless psycho (although I'd let him borrow my shower first. And give me a signed note from Vicky saying it was ok, since as recently mentioned, I am in love with her and therefore wouldn't want to piss her off.)

7:10 Wow. They are so full of shit right now. Not to whine or anything (ok to whine), but when my dear friend Vicky said "I thought you were going to be quite jokey and I hate that, as there are so many people waiting", it sounded like we were all standing outside waiting to see them. Not true, you big fat American Idol liars. We were standing outside waiting - TWO MONTHS BEFORE YOU GOT TO TOWN.

7:11 Does the tobacco addiction counselor not know that it was like 96 degrees the day of the SECOND audition? (Yes, if you didn't catch my most recent point, there were three days of auditions. We didn't just show up in the morning and then see my dearest Vicky in the afternoon.) He's wearing a full length green weirdo jacket. Yes, a weirdo jacket. That's a real thing.

7:16 Hey thanks, AI, for making everyone in Denver look like a cocknuckle.

7:17 IS SHE WEARING A WIG? The first audition was the week after July fourth. It was in the 80s and 10,000 of us were in Mile High Stadium. She was required to wear the exact same clothing to the Vicky audition as she did to the first audition. If she was wearing a wig in the 90+ Mile High heat for the 10 hours we were there, she must have the ugliest fucking hair ever.

7:19 Simon totally called the wig. Nice.

7:21 Aww. Kara DiGuardi - I love you too. You're no Vicky, but you are sweet.

7:24 Hey, it's a Jared Jewelry commercial! Fuck you, Jared.

7:25 Apparently American Idol makes me cranky. I wasn't one of those people cussing at the camera earlier though - they're the ones who got kicked out at least one stage before I did.

7:29 I was in an airplane accident which caused me to never be able to play the guitar again and also severed my vocal cords, and got me spontaneously pregnant and now I have a baby and somehow learned how to both sing and play guitar again. And I was... um ... adopted. From Haiti. NOW can I be on American Idol? Oh, and my kid drew pictures of all of the judges. Even though she doesn't have any hands. No, really.

7:30 Kara and Vicky just objectified the SHIT out of that poor kid. They made him strip to the waist.

7:35 I really think that Victoria Beckham and I would be tight. She's so sweet! And I'm sweet too! And we both want to have sex with her husband!

7:37 Is this one hour or two? There is absolutely no content in this television show. Like, at all. I'm pretty sure that I've had two beers since it started though, so that could definitely be affecting my perception.

I almost got a grey streak dyed into my hair yesterday. Because a) grey is in and b) I could totally rock it and c) I feel like I need a 'thing' other than being short.

7:39 Wow, they just manged to make Denver look really multicultural. (We're 70% white. I'm not even kidding.)

7:40 Hey Boulder moped riding guy, you did not just write 'doo doot doot do do'. You did just manage to make Boulder look stupid, and I'm glad that Simon told you off and that Vicky said your choice of song made her itchy.

7:44 This fella is just winging it. Kara is joining in. I'm so confused - Kenny sounds like crap and Kara is helping and now they're kicking him out and he's not leaving. Vicky complimented his choice of song though, because she's sweet.

7:45 Kenny is claiming it's a conspiracy theory. While I understand why they didn't put Kenny through, I see his point. It is a conspiracy theory. On the first day of auditions, at one point late in the afternoon, about half of us were left and they'd already given out about 300 golden tickets - about 3/4 of what we expected them to give for the day. Being early in the day, really awesome, or really bad definitely worked in your favor.

Valentine's Day, don't act like Bradley Cooper's character isn't gay in your previews. You have him playing a gay man. Own it. If there are people who won't come see the movie because there is a gay couple in it, you can bet they're NOT going to be pleased they bought a ticket because you TRICKED them. Also, they're stupid.

7:51 Further proof that I am brilliant for loving Vicky: a horrible little man did a very bad Broadway routine and she said 'what about Vegas?'. Like she's a career counselor, not a super famous Spice Girl/married to my soccerhusband* awesome woman.

7:53 Simon is singing along with the girl who flew to Denver from Venice. I'm sure she's getting through. And winning. That's it, I'm putting down my money; she's the next American Idol. Of course, Randy is a million percent yes for her and Kara is only a thousand percent yes for her - Kara is such a bitch and clearly doesn't trust my infallible AI instincts.

7:57 Two beers in an hour is a lot.

7:57 Thousands of us arrived with hope and confidence. Most of us (apparently) went home crying.

8:00 Kara: "You are a black country singer and that makes you cool." Weirdness.

8:02 I'm withholding commentary on bikini boy.

Full disclosure: I went to the first audition, and got the to the second one. The idea was that we'd try out on July 6th, and if we made it through that audition, we'd come back in early August for a second audition. The first day of the second audition was dedicated to singing in front of assistant assistant producers, assistant producers, and producers. The second day was for singing for Simon and Randy and Vicky. I did not make it that far, although I did make it past the first audition.

If I had made it to the Simon/Vicky/Randy audition, I would have kissed Simon for my friend Leigh and she would have loved me forever.

I need to go eat something now.

MUAH.

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more than a feeling