Colorado. Runner. Yogi. Fucking hilarious, like, 17% of the time.

I'm simply plastic without you

Did you know Barbie turned 50 last year? There was a convention, a fashion show, and a lot of driving around in pink convertibles (that last one is just a guess). To celebrate her 51st year, she's getting a new job! Apparently Ken has directed his attentions elsewhere, so she's got some time on her hands.

Barbie, not content to exist solely as an unreachable physical ideal (36-18-33), has already had a whole big bunch of jobs in the past 50 years. Some of my personal favorites:

  • A baby doctor. Really, she was a doctor in 88, a pediatrician in 94, and then in 2008 she was a 'baby doctor' as part of the 'I can be...' series of dolls. A baby doctor.  Again - THIS IS A REAL THING IN THE WORLD.
  • She flew in the Air Force Thunderbirds. Rock it, girl.
  • A Canadian Mountie - only available in Canada, because apparently Mattel thinks that everywhere else Mounties are actually respected less than BARBIE.
  • Cat burglar. Thank you, Christian Louboutin, for making the coolest Barbie ever.

  • McDonald's cashier, See's Candy cashier. Good luck with that 18 inch waist, honey.
  • Star Fleet Officer. Ahhahahahahaha.
  • My absolute all time favorite..... Princess. Produced every year since the 1990s, because every little girl loves a princess.

They're apparently accepting suggestions for her 2010 careers, although I can't seem to find where. I have a couple of ideas (shocking, I know).

  • Expediter (because now I know 'expediter' is mob talk for 'hit man' and I just wanted to use it again)
  • Product manager (give us some love, Mattel - we're people too)
  • Dog whisperer
  • FBI agent
  • Dog whispering FBI agent
  • And the most likely to be accepted.... Jersey Shore Barbie. I'm fairly sure at least one of those girls is half plastic anyway.

Valentine's Talky

two what the hell's