Colorado. Runner. Yogi. Fucking hilarious, like, 17% of the time.

employ thy time well, if thou meanest to get leisure

I am in Portland Oregon. Remember how yesterday I said that I wanted to stay home with Crockett? Totally true. His rebuttal? "Emma, I am not a baby. I can take care of myself." True.

So I'm waiting for the tiniest sprinter to come pick me up from the airport. I am waiting in a bar - please, suspend your shock. I positively hate to fly - I get all nervous and hesitant and completely unlike myself, and I have been known to fortify myself with those little airline bottles of wine. Since this particular flight left at 8:25 am, I instead opted for a bloody maria (because drinking before noon is only ok if it's a bloody mary or a mimosa. Obviously.)

What I'm trying to say is that I'm drunk. At 12:29 Denver time, 11:29 Portland time, but screw Portland time - doesn't count until you leave the airport, amirite?

Awesome, huh? Everyone else is at work, and here I am. I cannot imagine, for the life of me, why I got a bad review yesterday.

Because I'm drunk, I just asked Star (via IM) what the hell I should blog about. She happens to have recently missed her lunch due to inconsiderate customers at her place of business, and I said that I would send her some food through the interwebs, and then she said "blog about inventions you need!"

And so I am.

  1. The ability to pass food and drink through the internet. How is that not a real thing yet?
  2. Scratch and sniff tv. Because HI, I am already such a sucker for advertising that if you could make me smell your Doritos or your Dove Chocolate I would be putty in your hands. (Idea credit goes to Star.)
  3. A 'retract' button for conversations. Like how I just told this bartender I was drunk from my airplane bloody mary (WHAT? I'm really small and there is less air up there.) (Yes, I know there is a regular amount of air in the airplane, shut UP.) It would be like the 'recall' button in Outlook - if the person wants to hear it, you're screwed, but if they take pity on you it can be like it never happened. *Side note, I just spent a long time trying to figure out the best way to use those parenthesis. I actually tried to fit one set into the other and then I was worried about order of operations. I am the coolest girl ever.
  4. A gaydar that really works. It would also have settings for mean people, people who are undercover, and people who are in the witness protection program. Those last two are mostly for my future career as expediter.
  5. Earphones that block out all sound unless it is intentionally directed to you.
  6. More seasons of Veronica Mars. I know that isn't technically an invention, but whatever, Veronica Mars rocks. I was watching it on the airplane down here and the girl next to me was watching over my shoulder but pretending she wasn't - she's a new addict. Also, she reminded me a lot of the wife of an ex of mine and I kept wanting to ask her if that's who she was, but either answer would have led to us being uncomfortable for the rest of the flight, so I refrained.
  7. A headband that makes it impossible for people to ignore you. If you want their attention, you get it, when you're wearing the headband.
  8. A Strega Nona's Pasta Pot type wine glass.
  9. A little machine that lets you listen to any conversation in the world. This would be exceedingly helpful if I were interested in working for a tabloid - I would become EVERYONE'S unnamed source.
  10. A way to communicate inflection via IM that is NOT the 'sarcasm mark'. (Idea credit goes to Star.)

That's all I got, please feel free to contribute extra ideas in the comments. I'm going to force the tiniest sprinter to do a guest post about this trip, so look forward to it!


Sunday Talkie

cheer up sleepy jean, oh what can it mean