Colorado. Runner. Yogi. Fucking hilarious, like, 17% of the time.

I'm IN. Holy crap. Yes, darlings, enough men found my picture acceptable to get me through the fabled golden gates of, the website that recently kicked out 5000 folks for "too much holiday weight gain". I'm practicing my investigative journalism skills since my skills as a restaurant reviewer are clearly lacking. Ok, first things first, they would like me to create a profile. The things they want to know are very very specific.

  • Car owner? Yes/No
  • Smoker? Yes/No
  • Hair color? Drop down list of every hair color you can think of, including bald.
  • Eye color? All, including 'other'. What color isn't green, hazel, blue, dark blue, grey, brown, dark brown, or light brown? Do people have purple eyes? Yellow? Are Jacob the werewolf's eyes yellow?
  • Weight in lbs? Again, an available drop down menu. Highest possible range: 260-264. Lowest possible range: 40-44. Apparently they accept kindergarteners.
  • Height in feet? 2 inch increments from 4'11" to 6"11.  I'm an inch and a half from being forced to lie.
  • Body type? Choices: slim, average, toned, athletic, muscular, cuddly, ample. I like that they stuck ample in there, but apparently you're only allowed to be ample up to 264 pounds.
  • Relationship status? Choices: single, married, not specified, or in a relationship. Classy,

Thus far, I'm telling the truth in all of these questions.

  • Education? Level of degree.
  • Job title? Open answer. I said blogger. I'm giving them every chance to discover my undercover identity, here.
  • Job description? I figure blogger pretty much covers it.

Ok, mostly the kind of thing a normal non beautiful people dating site would want you to answer.

  • Details. Like: country, state, city, address, cell phone number, etc.

Obviously not answering those beyond state. Cause, creepy.  Now we get into the open answer questions.

  • Profile description? This would be where you insert your cleverness, I suppose. And explain why you're on a dating website that allows 'married' as a relationship status.
  • International text? There is no explanation of what they mean by that. At all. Just those words and an empty box.

This is all very bizarre. I'm going to delve into the photos of local beautiful people. If I find anything fascinating, I'll (of course) post immediately. Because really, what else do I have to do.

the tiniest sprinter gets and loses a girlfriend

I'm just going to apologize in advance