Colorado. Runner. Yogi. Fucking hilarious, like, 17% of the time.

Thoughts while watching Slaughter High

YAY! My very first Final Girl Film Club review! The Final Girl Film Club is what inspired the tiniest sprinter and me to start our own film club, so you know it rocks. Also, our film club seems to be temporarily on hold while we figure out whose turn it is and why none of us watched 'It's Pat'. Oh right - that's why.

You know what NOT to do while watching Slaughter High? Don't turn on whichever option it is that puts Who Wants to Be a Millionaire style questions on the bottom of the screen. Especially don't let someone else turn them on and then leave without telling you what option it was. If you had had them on, you would have learned gems like this: Simon Scuddamore,  the actor that plays the psycho, killed himself in 1986. If that doesn't put you in the mood for a horror movie, I don't know what does.

Other than that, this was seriously classic. The basic premise of a the movie is that a bunch of kids were gigantic jerks in high school to a nerdy kid named Marty. Their harassment included making him talk dirty and get naked while filming him. Yeah, it was awesome. When they get busted they blame Marty, and their revenge leaves him with a face full of acid and horribly burned hands.

Ten years later, we wake up with Carol, the girl who used her feminine wiles to get Marty naked in the first place. She is now an... actress? Stripper? Model? Something that requires her to have a sleazy agent who says 'you take your clothes off for money every day of the week, but you won't take this role?' She replies with 'I'd rather go to my high school reunion than take THIS role'. Which I guess means we're going to a reunion - the role never comes up again.

All the jerks show up at the old high school, and it turns out they were the only ones invited to this said 'reunion'. Instead of going back to town, they break into the closed up high school and find food and drink and their old lockers, full of things they'd 'lost' back in high school. I apologize for my overuse of quotes, here, but I can tell you it's not going to get any better - this movie demands you say a lot of things in that 'quote' tone of voice.  Carol is wearing a white pantsuit with MC Hammer pants which is possibly the least flattering thing I've ever seen anyone wear. Ever.

In a twist that surprises absolutely no one except the jerks, Marty shows up and starts picking them off one by one. The first to go is my personal favorite. I must have looked away at some point, because when I looked back his stomach was pulsating like he was in an alien movie, and then his abdomen split open and his intestines exploded. Literally. I have no idea how Marty did that, but it led the girl who got covered with intestinal ickiness to take her clothes off so he must have known what he was doing. She tries to wash away the goo, but then the water turns to acid! That Marty, such a kidder.

Yep, thats the pulsating stomach.

The killings continue all willy nilly, and there are some nice twists. Someone unexpectedly kills the wrong person, someone you thought would live doesn't... and then we discover that nothing was as it seemed!! I actually dug the movie. The acting sucked (although apparently Carol was a Bond girl at one point (thank you onscreen trivia) and those chicks are always known for their acting chops, right?) but the effects were completely acceptable and the score was actually pretty freaking rad.

My favorite part was when Marty apparently kills someone by dropping her into a pit full of sewage. She climbs out, and he pushes her back in with his foot and then walks away. I'm thinking that maybe he expects her failure to be so disheartening that she won't climb out again? I also quite enjoyed the 'who is Stella's baby daddy' side plot - it added a much needed touch of Maury Povich.

Emmanation rating: A jack-o-lantern shaped cupcake cake with tasty frosting, off the day old shelf at the grocery store.

hi ho hi ho, it's off to work we go

Lt. Col. Leonard Palmer