Colorado. Runner. Yogi. Fucking hilarious, like, 17% of the time.

thoughts while watching Event Horizon

The following post was written between the hours of 9:30 and 11:00 pm on Wednesday night. So I don't know if you remember, but the tiniestsprinter and I started a movie club where we were going to review two movies every month - one of each of our choosing. The first movie we/I picked was Buffy the Vampire Slayer. That was 2+ months ago, and neither of us has reviewed it.  I gave it my very best low-to-mediocre effort, and then bailed and did Let the Right One In instead.  At this point, when we should be on our fourth or fifth, we're on our second. However, I am seated, in front of the television, with my computer, chips, my phone (why do I need my phone to review a movie? Technically I don't. I do, however, need my phone to avoid having a nervous breakdown), and Event Horizon on my ginormous 38 inch television.

  1. Hey, y'all? We only have six years to establish the first permanent colony on the moon if we don't want this movie makin fools of us. Someone better get on that.
  2. The EH disappeared beyond Neptune? Can anyone tell me, in a movie made in 1997 that takes place in 2047, is Pluto a planet? Did I just blow your mind? Maybe a little? Good.
  3. Sam Neill is a weird kind of heartthrob. Also, heartthrob is a weird word to use for someone who makes you feel all tingly. When you say your toe is throbbing that usually means you stubbed it and you're cranky about it. Does that mean Sam Neill just stubbed my heart? Maybe it does, my loves, maybe it does. The chick from Jurassic Park and the dude from the Matrix? This movie is way awesome, cast wise.
  4. Adding to my Fuckit List - going into stasis in a liquid filled vertical coffin thingy. Or... just going into stasis period. I think that'd cover it.
  5. I wonder what my nickname would be on a ship. So far we have 'funky spaceman', 'smitty', 'baby bear' and 'mama bear'. Oh and 'doc', which probably doesn't count as a nickname.
  6. I never before realized that the technology in this movie is essentially a tesseract. I don't think that Madeline L'Engle considered using a not-particularly-sexy pinup poster to illustrate the whole wrinkle in time concept though.
  7. I hate it when someone in a movie is wearing a tee shirt and I can't read what it says. Jason Isaacs (i.e. D.J.) has something long written on his, and based on his character I bet it's snarky and hilarious.
  8. It is so hot that my dogs are both laying on the floor on their sides fighting with just their heads, panting. No, that doesn't have anything to do with the movie, I was just throwing that out there.
  9. Let's just say I'm in space. And I'm a computer spaceship guru. I'm scanning for life on a ship, and I say 'guys, I can't get a fix on it. I'm showing life ALL OVER THE SHIP.' I say it in a normal voice, not a capitalized voice, but still. That doesn't concern anyone else I'm with? Following that, my buddies on the ship proceed to say that a hallway looks like a meat grinder, to get caressed by a disembodied floating hand, and, oh yeah, to find a recording of the last inhabitants of the ship crying and screaming in latin. This is not foreshadowing, guys. These are foreTRAFFICSIGNS. Big orange ones that say 'bad news haunted ship ahead, turn around while you still can'.
  10. Also on my Fuckit List- being in a room with no gravity and floating blood and 'organic matter'.
  11. The woman who had to leave her disabled child behind on earth just hallucinated him and his legs were covered with sores that seemed to be dripping  green algae. I want to know if that's part of his wacky 2047 disability or the EH bein all tricky. Maybe algae sores are a thing in 40 years. Who knows, man.
  12. My DVD player just got stuck in an endless loop from 45:57 to 46:00. Using my own rules about foreshadowing, I'm now positive that the Event Horizon is coming for me.
  13. JUSTIN IS IN THE AIRLOCK AND HE ISN'T WEARING A SUIT. I remember this part. I'm choosing to believe that this is a very realistic portrayal of what would happen if one were to go into zero gravity with no suit. I have no reason to think that it isn't - I mean, the science of this movie has been impeccable so far, OBviously. Apparently, first your eyeballs pop out. Then your veins get all extra veiny,  kind of like the one in my forehead gets when Maida steps on my keyboard and erases a long, well thought out blog post. Also, it clearly hurts like a sumbitch, based on Justin's screams. Then, if you're lucky, the captain body slams you back into where there is gravity. I have no idea what happens after that because no movie that I've seen has been awesome enough to demonstrate further than that.
  14. Ok, I just googled people exploding in space and according to this article Event Horizon really IS very accurate. I knew I wasn't making that shit up. As I said, folks, six years to get to the moon.
  15. My DVD player just got stuck again. Unlike these wacky spacesuit-wearing haunted-ship-inhabiting mofos, I know when to say when. This will not only ensure my survival in the horror movie that I will eventually end up a part of, it will also allow me to go to bed.

This concludes the first successful review of the emmanation/tiniestsprinter movie club. Check back in two weeks - I may even get all the way through the movie next time, ya never know.


American Idol (Or: How I'm learning to embrace my inner Sarah Palin)

bringing sexy back