(Scheduling for pub Monday morning, please rest assured that I did not get up and start drinking at 4 am. All drinking and watching happened Sunday night.) (If you're here for NACG 3, hold your horses.)
I've actually seen this movie before, but I liked it and am having a stupid, sad weekend, so ... comfort horror! A genre you don't believe exists!
In a nutshell, this movie is about a bunch of people filming a ghost hunting reality show that end up in an actual haunted abandoned psych hospital. Don't all rush out to watch it, now. As per usual, if you'd like to watch this movie without me ruining it for you then you are in the wrong damn place.
- The very first, best thing about this movie is how different the host is while he's filming for the show and while they're shooting b-roll and he's just a regular dude. His host-attitude is very Robin-Leach of haunted places - 'the incredible footage you saw ... of this door slamming on it's own', etc. His real self says things like 'this place is as haunted as a sock drawer'.
- My hair is draped over the back of the couch and the table behind the couch, and I just put my wine down on my hair without knowing it and then tried to lean forward. Wine related disaster, people.
- Why couldn't a sock drawer be haunted? Me, asking the important questions.
- oooooooOOOOOOoooooo scary stuff is happening! Like, normal stuff, actually? A door slammed, a wheel on a table spun. Scary in context, though, if the context is 'locked in an abandoned insane asylum'. The only person who believes it might be paranormal is the girl with the lip ring and black eyeliner - #gimme.
- The ghost just lifted goth girls hair and I legit jumped. She went back down to the lobby to hang out with the tech guy and the host is begging the ghost to manipulate his hair, which I love. "Are you... are you into hair? Here, touch mine, ghosty - I've got nice hair! I used conditioner and everything!"
- "Why would we split up, that's a terrible idea!" Goth girl making all the good calls. Spoiler, they split up anyway.
- Status: one guy missing, one guy fell down the stairs and is like kinda injured, everyone panicking because (at their request) the caretaker locked them in and they can't find a way out. The caretaker was, of course, supposed to come let them out, but he's very late and the sun doesn't seem to be rising when it should. This is all quite tense and watching them get all mad at each other is very satisfying, but nothing is actually, like, happening?
- All the food in their coolers is rotten. This is ghostly psychological warfare and I am here for it. Some hair touching, some rottenness accelerating, and couple of doors and windows that aren't open or closed as they should be, and everyone is going damn crazy. Walls dripping blood etc not required.
- Now they're just fighting over a map. This looks like me and Crockett's last vacation, the Blair Witch Project, or both.
- Missing guy is screaming! From somewhere! And a metal cot is bouncing up and down! Fuck you, cot. Keep your fucking legs on the ground, you're not a grasshopper.
- Oh, baby goth girl has the word hello written in cuts on her back. Such a polite message for such a mean delivery. Maybe the ghost was writing 'hey', 'hi', 'hello', 'what's up', 'hi guys', whatever, all over the walls and they just kept missing it because they were running around? Ghost just wanted to get his message seen is all. I get you, ghost, it's tough being ignored.
- Annnnnnnnd we have our first dark eyed unrealistically big mouthed demon face. WHY DO I DO THIS WHEN I AM HOME ALONE, someone talk some sense into me pleez thank you.
- I apologize for inserting that in there, guys. I don't know what I was thinking. I was trying to distract myself from the guy getting drowned in the bathtub full of blood possibly?
- Do you remember the song from when I was in high school (a universally recognized means of defining a four year period) that went 'they say misery loves company, we should start a company and make misery...'?
- You're welcome.
- They've all got hospital wristbands with their names on them that showed up when they fell asleep. There's two different level of attacks happening here. Two ghosts? Grasshopper-cot blood-drowning sliced-back ghost is sending out a very strong 'die, y'all'. Wristband rotten-food no-sunshine ghost is trying harder for a 'no hope' kinda vibe.
- Both would work on me. And you, don't lie.
- Crockett's leather chair just creaked. Bad. BAD CHAIR.
I fast forwarded, in the hopes that the chair was reacting to a specific scene.
- There are only the host and goth girl left...
- Wait, there's a cloud covering the camera...
- Why do I keep writing these posts? Why do you guys keep READING them? They are ridiculous play by plays of movies you're not watching, it's insane.
- One guy. Host. Cloud ate goth girl.
At some point, if you're in a horror movie, it's got to just be the zen choice to die, right? I mean, yes, there's always the teeniest tiniest chance you're the final girl. Probably not, though. Probably you're going to be terrified and run around a lot and get very very scared and sad and then die, right?
Remember when you told me, at the top of this post, that comfort horror wasn't a thing? Fine, you were right.
- Host is eating a rat. That he beat to death with a pipe. Why tho. Host, Imma refer you to the thing I just said about death being zen ok?
- Oh shit ghost docs and nurses! Ok, that explains the inconsistent hauntings. Good, that would have bugged me.
Don't worry, guys. Ghost docs are treating host for his obvious issues. Everything's fine, nothing to see here, and ... credits!