Colorado. Runner. Yogi. Fucking hilarious, like, 17% of the time.

and again: Bachelor, Ep 2

"Ben is the greatest bachelor on the planet." When we open with a statement like that, which doesn't sound anything like hyperbole, how bad can this episode be?

  • I wonder if, what with him being in tech in Denver, I know anyone who knows Ben.
  • Should I get a fabric steamer?
  • Also I probably know someone who knows Lace, because she's a Denver realtor and realtors are generous with introductions. (Of course I didn't just call Lace a networking slut, what are you talking about?)
  • Taking a group of women to a high school is a little bit creepy. Right? A little infantilizing? Oh, wait, when he did a comparison he compared them to teachers. And he's the student. You do you, young master Ben.
  • Indiana on a map? 100% couldn't do it. I thought that Denver was on the West side of the Rockies until I was about 20, though, so, grain of salt.

Deep breaths. This isn't the most fun show I've ever seen (she says politely).

  • I read online that Ben and Becca might already be dating? That is fucking LOW. If that's true, then someone else is losing what is otherwise guaraneeeeeeted to be truuuuuuue luuuuuv.
  • How is Ben going to remember who he kissed? Do you think he's taking notes? He must be taking notes. Or is he allowed to watch, like, clips of his moments with each woman before he spends time with her again? Or is this projection, in that I wouldn't remember this for shit? Crockett told me a bunch of stuff on our first date (that I now super obviously know, like, his brother working at a pizza place in college) that I didn't remember at all for ages, and I really liked Crockett a ton! And there was only one of him!
  • THEY'RE ALL SO SWEATY. Plus several of these women have gotten extensions since the first episode, I think. Jubilee especially.

I'm thinking about going to Floyd's Barbershop to see if they'll trim my hair. Is that a bad idea? Just a TRIM. They have ladies on their website, I checked.

  • Oh JoJo, I had a good feeling about you, and I know that that good feeling was misplaced because I'm pretty sure you go home tonight. It's very sad.

There's something about my brother and The Real World that I don't super remember. Either he talked about auditioning, or when we lived together me and our roommates tried to talk him into auditioning? (They were holding the auditions in Boulder, we weren't trying to get him anywhere crazy or anything.) The plan was that he was going to be a dick, I think? I don't know, we were like 22. That's how shows like that and this get made. A bunch of 22 year olds with bad ideas.

  • Maybe I was wrong about JoJo? Also, are there local bars that host viewing parties or something with Lace as a guest?
  • Caila (or some name that sounds less like a broken erection drug?) gets two other people on her date? Two comedians? That sounds ... fun, but also a medium terrible way to get to know someone? Although you know what's a great way to get to know someone: cognac and condoms. Assuming, of course, that neither one of you needs a prescription for Caila.
  • Is sitting in a hot tub in a fluorescently lit hot tub store with Kevin Hart actually a great way to relax, Caila? Is it?

THERE'S AN HOUR LEFT.

Is anyone naming their daughters Esther, currently? Um .... checked and yes. Some. It's been in the top 30% of names since 2000, who knew. (None of the bachelorettes are named Esther, but I did go to high school with a very dramatic woman of that name?)

  • Ahaha so the sound has been a fraction of a second off from the picture for like ten minutes, and I JUST realized that's what was happening. Before that I thought they were just sort of trying to make it all look like ... a dream sequence?
  • Aww, Caila does seem like she'd be a good wife. In that every person would make a good life partner for someone if a life partner was what they were into. Like, what characteristics are going to make Ben say 'oh god, she would make a goddamn terrible wife!!!'?
  • Second group date. Guys, I drink a lot, and I don't usually notice or care what other people drink. But. These women are drinking .... well, constantly. Do you think any of it is a trick? Like grape juice or sparkling cider? Is it meant to rile everything up, maybe?
  • Oh twinsies. Don't say you're not smart out loud. I mean, don't even think it, honestly, but definitely don't SAY it.
  • Let's put all the women in 5th Element LeLu outfits, said ... someone, apparently.
  • "Your data were spectacular." It's a shame Crockett isn't here, he has very strong feelings about the fact that data is plural.
  • This is fucking psychological warfare. The booze, the proximity, the (I assume) isolation, the constant capture the flag mentality.
  • Ben, do not say you're surprised by how many amazing women came out for the show. It implies you think it's below them, and nobody wants to hear that shit.
  • SO MANY KISSINGS.
  • Also, did these women come to the show this fit or do they have a trainer person or something on site? If Hilary gets elected (purdy please) will strong arms go back out of style? (I'm giving Michelle Obama full credit for the recent arm muscle resurgence. Madonna tried to get us on board unsuccessfully for years.)
  • Where is the woman with the horse? Meagan? Did she get sent home last week and I missed it? Cowgirl, nooooo!!!!
  • Olivia is giving Lace a run for the over-reaction money. I knew it, you can tell cause she has the mouth of a cartoon character. "He's my man at this point." I think someone needs to revisit the rules.

Emily Blunt has a Simpson's nose, right?

  • Ben is working a lot harder to justify his presence on the show than any of the ladies are. Despite being in this in a big way, he's obviously a little bit embarrassed by the whole thing.
  • Awww making barrettes for Sarah's babies? Cutie. (Should it be the single 'most thoughful thing anybody's ever done for' her? Oh honey. I don't know who fathered your children but if he never did anything that simple for you and them, good riddance to that dumbass.)
  • The twinsies ARE Jessica and Elizabeth!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (I'm not going to embarrass myself by googling how many other people have already pointed that out.)
  • Who is Rachel. What.
  • Awww. I thought it was JoJo who left but it was LB. LB, you were the best of us. Bless your heart.
  • Samantha, who I enjoy in a respectful way, has straight up black eyes right now like a Supernatural demon. Is someone murdered in a later episode? Because my suspect is fingered.

Aww. Sadness. Bye ladies. I, again, left my bracket at the office, but I don't think I knew any of you were going home. Hugs all around.

 

buh byebye

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