Colorado. Runner. Yogi. Fucking hilarious, like, 17% of the time.

My little brother is probably the coolest kid I know. He lives far away now and I miss him, so I called him earlier this week and suggested we resurrect an old game of ours via telephone. What game, you ask?

The movie drinking game.

Here's the general outline: we pick a movie neither of us has seen. We make up drinking game rules, without knowing how applicable they'll be. We drink. This has gone wrong on a couple of occasions - for example, when we watched 29 Palms, we were supposed to drink when anyone said 'bag'. That movie, turns out, is about a stolen bag of money. Yeah.

Our flick last night was Rumplestiltskin, from 1995. It was awesome. My head hurts.

Here are the rules we chose (a * indicates that this happened and we drank to it):

  • if someone is wearing a green shirt
  • if someone spills *
  • if there is a horse or goat or llama
  • if a woman screams 'not my baby' *
  • if there is an obvious reference to another horror movie
  • if someones hands get dirty and they look at them in a shocked manner
  • if we see Rumplestiltskin's nipples
  • if a big guy kills a little guy (this is a standard no matter what movie we're watching)
  • if a little guy kills a big guy (ditto) * (we may have been mistaken here - we thought Rumplestiltskin was a little guy but it later appeared that he was just crouching down)
  • if someone barfs
  • if someone drops silverware
  • if someone kicks a dog
  • if Rumplestiltskin kills a pet
  • if we see bottom half nudity *
  • if there is a really gross bone breaking *
  • if something happens that we can specifically trace to a conversation we had today *
  • wacky computer action (this one is a new standard and is awesome - basically, if someone uses a computer to do something that computers don't do, or does something like hacks into the pentagon in three minutes, etc)
  • if the movie has it's own theme song with lyrics (new standard)
  • if there's a super animal of any kind

That's six drinks, yo.

Here's the progression of our conversation during the movie as recorded on my iPad. All grammatical and typing errors have been left in. You know, for authenticity.

Was that flaming glitter Come bring the pain Why would you make it so that the wish of a child would break your curse So..he's totally thinking inside the dinosaur poop Hi mr police officer How did getting shot in the heD not make it on my list IS SHE A MIME.? Is that person eating cat food? Is that an entire aisle filled with spderwebs? Alien mettallic turd dick What is wrong with his hair? Uhhh, it's just a boatload of grease. An epidemic of grease. Oh! Is she totally getting it on with her dead husband? Ohh, wouldn't it be creepy if she woke up in bed with his two years dead corpse? Ys, ut would. Wait, since when is 'you can't kill someone who doesn't have a soul' a rule? Broekn arm flips off driver - us: "yes!" Omg he totally has like doc martens Why did you crash, it was just a spray of water Lady, that's a baby. You're putting a baby in my truck. Theres never been a baby in my truck. He's following me down a very slight incline after making a very soft right turn. I'll give you this much, he's a hell of a driver! I don't understand several things. How did they he find out they as no brakes while they were going uphill? Where did he get that shirt? How did they skid to a stop with no bakes? Why is he weing that shirt without zubas? Why does his truck have flags? Wile rp was crashing his car, he yelled "oh fuck its me" DID YOU GET IT?. DID YOU GET THE Pun? She can really SPIN a YARN Can you imagine if we'd called 'stabbed with an. American flag'? My minds not as sharp ss it once ess. 20 years of cat food and vicars will do that to you. Simultaneously- he can summon bodies with electricity? He can make electric zombies? Why is he crouching so much? He kxut he reqlh storing tights. She id chant three times, Nd now I know what she meant. She meant driver a flaming bulldozer while wearing a USA jacket! Did he say aw shit when he got scooped n the bullsodxer of fire? I'm going ton say it right now. You can't get your sleeve caught on a atteerrjng we hell. Thats not thing that can happen. We called rps bottom falling off SSS bottom half nudity. Di you need t be able too take memories to be traumatized. FUCKING SHOW THE OTHER SLEEVE OF THENGODDAMN JAVKET

Yeah.

the guy

so there's that